To Self-Discover or To Self-Create? That is the question.
The first half of the question is defined by a process that consists of a series of actions that eventually lead to the attainment of an ultimate end goal, while the remaining is a journey that primarily focuses on putting forth intentional efforts to arrive at a self that is fully aligned and utilizing select gifts, talents, and skills. Self-discovery is outcome-oriented while self-creation is process-centered. For much of my life, the former was the path I was on and the path that I believed to be true. Self-creation sounded nice but fantastical, certainly not possible for the more limited in outlook. To understand this I give you a sneak peak into my story:
“Discover yourself in your studies” is what they’d say or rather what I interpreted from their ceaseless encouragement to do well academically. “School is the why we came to this country.” School and books was the answer to every question and the question to ever answer. My performance in school was the topic of every conversation. Naturally this resulted in the eventual idolization of school. For two decades the issue went unnoticed. Little did I know that a demolition was scheduled of this faulty belief system.
In terms of reality, I wasn’t really sure of what consisted as right or wrong. I didn’t do much thinking for myself because as mentioned before the answer lay in books. Critical thinking was foreign and outside of my scope. But what was in was my favorite hobby that doubled as the closest friend to me: television. It was there for me; it assured me that what I did, that what I thought was enough, and that in time things would be better once I reached point C, college. This was the single relationship that I had invested into for years. In this friendship, I felt emotions but in close boundaries. The capacity to love was very limited but it felt right and I felt safe. Little by little I fed an alternate reality that took root in my mind and shaped my perception of relationship. Relationships would never hurt like hell. Relationships could make me happy. Relationships would never make me angry. Relationships would never force me to ask/ answer tough questions. Relationships would never make me doubt myself. Relationships would never be hard. Or so I thought.
In terms of “relationships” in my years before 25 I felt inadequate. I was generally kind but that was mostly out of fear. All I knew was that I did NOT want to be hurt, taken advantage of, feel inferior, considered unacceptable/fake, or feel betrayed by anyone so I would take what seemed to be the safe route and opt-out engaging with others in a real way. I did this usually by presenting a demeanor that was less than pleasant and by sabotaging relationships or potential ones because my philosophy was to always be the one with more “power.” The one with the most power possessed more knowledge and/ or showed the least love. Or so I thought.
In terms of my spirituality, I had a mere inkling that a supernatural god existed but one that didn’t seem to show up for me, evidenced by many years of loneliness and unanswered prayers for real relationship. Upon reflection I realized that more than anything I believed in what sounded nice and what didn’t exclude. I didn’t want to believe in a god that didn’t claim everyone because it just isn’t fair to be any other way. My opinion of god were short and few. He was too convoluted to understand, too uninvolved to worship, and too distant to follow. Or so I thought.
Circling back, life started after two major points of inflection: meeting God and meeting myself. Recently I began this journey of creating meaning and purpose with my life. The alternative was like continuing to wait for lightning to hit and give me this supernatural revelation of my unique purpose. I was no longer interested in that pursuit. The sun has finally set on a way of operating in this world that just couldn’t support itself. The dawn of a new day has come and I am more ready than ever to be be used by Him, to be transformed by Him, to be humbled by Him, and above all, to love because of Him.
The purpose of this blog is to write where I came from and where I’m going. I don’t mean locations on a map; rather it’s a journey of hearts, minds, truths, and discoveries of the essential components of this community, the living, breathing, beautiful people that fill it. There is value in every single person and every person’s narrative. Put simply, my purpose is to share stories and connect. Not necessarily with my readers although that would be a plus but connecting with THIS reality. Think of my blog as my attempts at connecting to the global Wi-Fi. For too long I disengaged and OPTED OUT connecting to this network. Consequently I missed out on the invaluable treasures of His creation. No more. No mas. Hope you get something from my journey!
**Disclaimer: Blogging is a new venture for me so I warn you that my blog may be riddled with mistakes of the grammar variety. English was never a strong suit for me but I would like to grow so I invite constructive feedback. Also, keep in mind that this is creative writing at the heart so some of what I write may not follow the rules.